What I thought of Eurovision.

I set aside over 3 hours of my life to watch Eurovision 2010, though I do view the whole thing as an expensive waste of time. I have pondered before why we don’t just scrap Eurovision and make the contestants have a massive fight instead. Then I remembered we’d already done that in 1914. And 1939.

My favourite came quite early on in the form of Cyprus’ ‘Life Looks Better in Spring’. Despite having a guitar composed of 50% duct tape, singer *Jon Lilygreen was rather sweet, and the song was alright too. Disappointingly, Jon’s torso was not very impressive when he decided to bare it, complete with the slogan: ‘I <3 MUM’, but mine’s not much to look at either, so I forgave him.

Belgium’s ‘Me and My Guitar’ was a sweet performance that did very well in the competition. My only criticism is that *Tom Dice looks about 9. It’s not his fault, I know, but it makes me feel like a paedophile, as I couldn’t for the life of me stop staring at his tight trousers. (They really were tight. Am I the only one who noticed this?)


Tom Dice performing. Check those tight trousers out.

France had a very upbeat number, but about halfway through the song it became apparent that the choreographer had only come up with half a routine, and told them to fill up the rest by what is commonly referred to as ‘shakin’ their booties’. I don’t mind a few *thrusting Frenchmen, but it was a little excessive.

This year’s competition was full of its customary weirdness: women with wings, a fiddler on a giant record player, and a robot doing odd things with a rotating blade to name but a few, but for me, the most unfathomable of the lot was Armenia. The girl was singing about apricot stones. Is that a euphemism or something? Then there was the whole question of the 80-something year-old on a wind instrument. And at the end, for no apparent reason, a tree sprang up from the stage. I swear that was like a dream I once had, only the girl wasn’t singing…

There were a lot of underwhelming ballads, though I must say I did appreciate Israel’s. Admittedly that was only because of *Haral Skaat, the hot guy singing it. However, considering that Israel is located in West Asia, I question the decision to enter it into EUROvision.

Then the results rolled in. I knew the UK wasn’t going to do well, but coming last place really was an achievement. I think our defeat summed up our efforts quite well – hopeful but rubbish. At least it showed Josh that, whilst his song might sound good to him, it doesn’t sound good to anyone else in the whole of Europe.

Of course, it was Germany who finished in first place, so we were thrashed into the ground by a girl who can’t seem to stand upright on stage whilst flailing those skinny arms around, singing about ‘your lahv, lahv, lahv’.


Lena Meyer-Landrut, who rather got on my nerves.

She was incredibly annoying when they interviewed her, with her: “This is so absolutely awesome and I feel like…. this is not real!” and: “I feel so… I don’t know, it’s kind of… FREAKING OUT!”. I sighed in exasperation, but my mum just said, “Oh, she can’t help it; she’s European.” I must say, though, that my favourite consequence of Germany winning is the somewhat bitter Facebook group called: ‘Yes, Germany, you may have won Eurovision, but we all know who won World War 2’.

So after this year’s humiliating defeat, I hope that the UK will start to question why we even bother to enter. We might as well shove Cliff Richards on stage and see the end of it. Or, better still, get a big British band to perform – it worked with Turkey’s MaNga this year. (And yes, I did notice that their lead singer and guitarist were hot.)


MaNga's electric guitarist Yagmur Sarigul. Oh, he can pluck my G-String any day of the week.

Franz Ferdinand would be good, or better still, Muse. I know that I for one would be melting into a puddle on my sofa in front of *Mr. Bellamy. I would love to see Eurovision meet ‘Supermassive Black Hole’ – they could get some baseball players in and everything! (And bring *R-Patz along whilst they’re at it.) If we can’t win Eurovision with Muse and vampires, we can’t win it with anything.

(*I am very sorry that I just ogled all the men during Eurovision, (and plan to do so in future), but it was far more savoury than actually listening to what they were singing.)